Have you ever asked someone where they are from and they got offended? Or ever been on the receiving end of the question and think; ‘Here we go again. Another person that has a particular answer in mind and won’t be satisfied with what I’m about to tell them.’ Whichever end of the question you have been on, this article is going to unpack why it is loaded and personal.
What’s the issue?
The question ‘where are you from?’ is commonly asked to people from ethnic or race minority groups. Although there is nothing wrong with asking where someone is from, for some people this question is personal and sometimes draining, especially when asked ‘where are you really from?’ This mostly applies to minorities that are born and raised in a different country to their parents or grandparents.
For the person asking, it’s usually to get an explanation as to why someone looks, talks or behaves differently to them, there is no emotional attachment to the question. For the person being asked, it’s quite the opposite and can feel scrutinising when their answer is not accepted.
“so, where are you from?”
“Berkshire”
“nooo, I mean, where are you really from?”
“errr, Reading??”
“but obviously you’re not, you look different and have a funny name”
It feels as if we have to explain our existence to feel accepted because saying ‘I’m from Berkshire’ was the ‘wrong’ answer. And when presenting the answer that they were looking for, the interrogation doesn’t end there. It opens the gate to a whole flood of questions, putting an investigation under a microscope and picking at it until all research is collected.
“so you’re not actually English, I knew it!” “how come your family moved to England?” “do you think about moving back to your country?” “say something in your language!” “do you have a British passport?” – ???? Am I in boarder control?!?
On the receiving end, this makes someone feel like an outsider and can push them away from a group because a significant part of their identity, and one that they cannot change, is being questioned and doubted. Plus, it can feel draining if people are offloading their stereotypes and biases onto one person from a particular background.
Human beings are curious by nature and it’s a trait that is encouraged, but when curiosity is prioritised over an individual’s feelings, it causes friction. In order to have a genuine conversation about the topic, be conscious of what you’re really asking and reflect on why you want to know.
Suggestions
First of all ask yourself ‘why am I asking this question?’ is it because you want to prove that you’re correct in thinking that a person doesn’t share the same national identity as you? Which in that case, is insensitive as you’re making the person feel like they don’t belong. Or are you genuinely curious? If you are, great! But instead of asking ‘where are you really from?’ ask ‘what is your cultural background?’ or ‘what is your family’s heritage?’ That way the person you are asking will know exactly what you mean and understand that you are interested in their background.
Some people may not give you an explanation of their background simply because they don’t want to. Therefore, accept the answer they give you and move on. There’s nothing worse than someone that keeps probing a person to get an answer out of them when it’s clear they don’t want to answer. Pay attention to what the person is not telling you verbally and what their body language is screaming to you. While you’re questions remain unanswered, by moving on you are respecting their privacy and wishes.
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